thelesbianlifestyle.com

That gnawing throughout life is like a ball and chain, but made of a gentler yarn. It silently tugs at you with a sudden glance at the boy sitting three rows in front of you, on your wedding day as you smile for photos, as you lay there, legs spread allowing an act that feels violative, but is supposed to be “so right”. That yarn is a reminder of the yearning you believe you are supposed to have, but at the frustration you feel because you know you do not feel what your friends have described. It is the sadness and loneliness at knowing that what your friends speak about you just can’t relate to, but you pretend, and force yourself to believe this is as good as it gets. It is a knowing that you cannot go to where the yarn is pulling you and that there is just so much you will get out of life, and you have to make the best of it, in this world where you know you do not fully belong, where you know something is missing, but what are you to do. You have learned so well your life’s lessons, that to reveal the true you (a you you have never even allowed yourself to be honest with yourself about) means that you would be forever banished from this only world you do know, sent off on your own into an untouchable world that you have only watched from afar with envy. Then, one day, after the children have been born, and your soul matures, and your heart has ached one too many times, a desire to love you begins to outweigh the fear, and you have no other choice but to live or die. As the days unfold, filled with turmoil, and beautiful discovery, you finally place one foot in front of the other and walk peacefully and with burning desire into the arms of your first lover, and in that instant, as your lips gently brush against each other, and soft hands caress your skin like no other, you know that for the first time in your life, you are home, and with the exploding of your heart, your mind, your body, your soul, comes the pouring down of tears in celebration of your birth…at 40.

That is my story. A very condensed version of my story. I am still on my quest to totally embrace who I am, a lesbian, part of a group of beautiful women, who have fought to live our best lives, support those who have come before us, and make way for those to come after us – I am part of a family. Thank you to all of you “out” lesbians who have given those like me strength to finally proudly say “I am a lesbian”.

Sent in by: Ursala
Age: 45
Location: NY