thelesbianlifestyle.com

so, i was going to write about death and my thoughts on that, since i had to go to a funeral today, but the idea of it bummed me out. i think that we all think of our mortality when we are faced with a death, especially when you almost die getting run off the highway on the way to the funeral. seriously, me, betty and a big rig and not enough lane for the both of us. i did not win that battle. i will say something, i felt like a true ass at the funeral home when i had to ask them for an excuse note for work. they were kind of busy with a viewing and all, you know what i mean? my only other thought was that the priest actually did a decent job and i was highly entertained and he kept my attention. does that sound wrong? so be it. he did ask us to give a round of applause to the deceased and i thought that was cool.

so, anyway, i am a little giddy today, in spite of the sadness, because i got an email this morning from l.l. bean saying that my summer stuff is on it’s way. it is a little bittersweet as i won’t be able to share these purchases with my missing bestie, as i know she would be so proud. i also think she might be slightly jealous of one of the flip flop purchases.

let’s backtrack a little, people. i have always been built like a lady linebacker. i have broad shoulders. i also have gigantic breasts and a waist that is not comparable to them. i am not thin, i am not fat. i am somewhere in between. with the loss of 30 pounds, the breast/waist dynamic is even more dichotomous. i love that word so much as you have to say dyke to say it. just a random thought. anyway, bathing suits have been the bane of my existence ever since probably high school. i was “that lesbian” even before i was a lesbian. i am partial to a sports bra (with underwire for extra tit support) and a board short with a tank top over it. here’s the thing, i don’t even like walking around in a bra and underwear (if i wore them) in front of someone i am dating, so why am i going to do that in front of strangers at the beach, the pool, wherever?

last month when i met up with the ladies that are going on the lesbo cruise with me in january, they made it quite clear that this “outfit” would not be accepted or tolerated. i really thought that i had joan in my pocket with this one but it doesn’t appear that way. i will/would be the only one donning the lesbian bathing suit. i think i made it really clear to them that i feel so uncomfortable in a traditional suit but i don’t think they were going for it. i have even received emails from flo with statements such as, “Also, there will be no tank top wearing with this suit. You may wear a sarong, but not a tank top. If you are going to wear a tank top, then you might as well just wear a sports bra and board shorts and we both know that is not allowed.” this was in response to me sending a picture of a possible bathing suit that i found on one of the sites that she sent me. after we had dinner last month, i emailed her for some suggestions of stores or online and have been looking at them for the last couple of weeks with no real success. i had to look up and see what a sarong is because, again, i am not that girl. the problem is that because my chest is so big and my waist is smaller, i can’t find anything matching to accomodate both. i have tried on one piece bathing suits and it felt like i was a human rubberband, hunched over and suffering. the other thing that happens with the one piece is that i have to get one so big to accomodate the chest that the waist area has all kinds of weird drooping material. this is not a good look. flo’s suggestion to me is a “brief” bottom and a halter style top. i think the halter thing might work but i want my board shorts. i just do. two of the ladies that i am going with strike me as water loungers. one of them i know definitely is. you know who you are, snax. i am not a water lounger. i am a water asshole. i want to dive and swim and play games, including water chicken (you know where two people have other people on their shoulders and you try to knock the other off). i need a suit or something that will allow all of this without me coming out of the water with one of my tits floating outside of my bathing suit or my ass cheek hanging out. i don’t want to not be that asshole for fear of exposure. i almost, almost, feel like it would be better and easier to be naked. i will have to check the cruise rules.
another friend suggested when looking online to put in terms such as “big knock suits” or “busty bathing suits”. she was correct and i was lead to some porn sites but there were also other things that could work out. let me ask you something, why does it look good when the young, thickish model on the site has on a skirt suit but when i or anyone else younger puts that on, you look like a 70 year old grandmom way out of style? i love my legs, i really do just not the very top part near the lady bits. i want something to hide that part too. christ, it’s too much.
the other thing of my spring/summer wardrobe that was changed thanks to the ladies of last year, is my choice of footwear. i wear a size 11 shoe, people. a lot of stores don’t accomodate that size but if they do, they make sure it is as ugly and man-ish as possible because i think they hate the big footed lady. i have always been prone to wearing a soccer slide. look it up and get back with me. it is a “flip flop” but not like the flip flop that you think of. they usually have a velcro thing across the top. they don’t have the thingy that goes in between your big toe and the next toe (is that the index toe like the index finger?). i think that i thought that i was bothered by that thingy. i also think that any real flip flop that i bought in the past might have had a rubber thingy and not a fabric thingy. the rubber one definitely had given me some fun blisters in between my toes so i had added them to my don’t wear list. i was ridden so hard into the ground last summer with the constant comments and ribbing on my choice of soccer slide that i had to give in and try again on the real flip flop. i am now obsessed with “real” flip flops. the girls of last summer might have also made me a little girlier because you should see the three pairs that i bought that are on their way to me as we speak. wow, so out of my element but i am already arranging outfits around them. the other reason why i have chosen a soccer slide, in addition to the comfort level, is because as i might have previously mentioned, i have the longest toes ever. people i know have called them “finger toes”. the soccer slide hides that somewhat but a real flip flop is all toe. i was teased so much that i said fuck it. i mean, i keep up with my pedicure in the summer and my feet aren’t ugly, so i guess i will deal with the toe exposure rather than looking like a true summer dyke. now, if only i could fall in line with the bathing suit thing….
talking about bathing suits and flip flops reminded me of an album by sam phillips that was called, “martinis and bikinis”. i imagine that is what my summer is going to look like and definitely the cruise next year. enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYU6m3-4zIo

Sent in by: bridget
Email: brizel13@comcast.net
Age: 39
Location: philadelphia
Website: My Pants Won’t Stay Up