thelesbianlifestyle.com

I dont know why I am putting this here, but this is one of the best places on the web to go that will let me connect with other lesbians for free.

I have been a lesbian for 11 years, I was always one deep down, but i came out then, mostly to myself though and a few others, and since then have only had a few gay friends online but that was it. They decided their busy lives were more important and didnt give me the time of day after awhile. its not that there is anything wrong with me, but after years of getting my feelings hurt from others, I am practically traumatized at times.

Yet, I am reaching out. I sometimes suffer from depression that is crippling, but its because my life is something to be desired. I live with my parents and have for the past three years. I want out badly but feel trapped. Because I lived out west for five years before that with someone and had to move in 2004, I lost my car. So now I have no car, and currently no money. I spend hours trying to think about how to get out of my situation because working is difficult in this stupid hickville small town i live in and sometimes my health is compromised from fatigue and digestive disorders that working would be impossible, which faces me to a wall. I feel like I have suffered in silence for a long time. My family is not very attentive so I feel very alone. deep dow i am strong in some ways and have a resilience that tries to come up whenever it can, but life beats it down a lot. im not a very practical person, not because im trying to be irresponsible but because im different and care very much about my own happiness and being true to myself. This past week i suffered from a horrendous depression that I feel almost killed me. What brought me out of it was focusing on what little things I could get my hands on, little hopes of my future. I wouldnt mind going to therapy, but around here that is impossible. i am too smart for my own good, and too complex with some metaphysical beliefs it would be hard to talk to someone who would understand me. Everywhere i look, there is a wall. All i want to do is get out of this house, get my health together somehow and my life, make friends and parade happily into the relationship with my dream woman that I have always wanted for a long time but told myself i wasnt worthy because of my life. Thanks to it being beat in to my head that im worthless without money, it makes me feel like noone would want me. I feel that is absurd. it doesnt stop me from dreaming or caring about my future.

If anyone out there, kind, warm, friendly, open minded, who wouldnt mind talking some, possibly being friends, that would be great. i need something in my life to get the wheels turning.

If any of you out there also knows of some miraculous advice that I can actually take, gently give it. Im not sure if theres any advice i havent thought of yet though.

Thanks for listening and be gentle. i have been through a lot, but the last thing i want to be seen as forever, is a loser or a victim that will never heal. I want to heal and I just want a better life.

Sent in by: Jen
Age: 37
Location: North Carolina
Website: http://iopening.blogspot.com