2011
Childhood Dreams Lead To Discovery
I was always the odd child. At 7, we were learning about drugs. I somehow got the meaning of ‘drug’ & ‘drink’ mixed up. Thus, at 7, I popped in after school one day yelling, “MOMMY, I’M THIRSTY, GET ME A DRUG?” It received some shock, a bit of laughter, & a note to my teacher.
What else was odd about me? For as long as I could remember, I dreamed of my wedding, just like ay other girl. I was no different in that aspect. So what shocked my mother? When I told her I would never wear an “icky dress” & that my wife “would!” I can still remember hearing her laugh & sayig to me: “Nicki, you’re a girl. You don’t get a wife, you get a husband. You ARE the wife.” I remember crying myself to sleep that night, I didn’t want a husband, I wanted a WIFE!
Fast forward 9 years or so. I’m now a very confused 15 year old. A girl in my grade at school, Miranda, has caught my attention. She’s absolutely beautiful. She’s popular, but quiet. She’s nice, she doesn’t speak to me, but she doesn’t tease me either. Doesn’t think of me as weird. To me, that’s nice. My feelings for her are not jealousy because she’s of the popular “prissy” group. They’re….deeper then that. I find myself strangely attracted to her. But, I also THINK I’m “attracted” to boys.I had what I thought was a “crush” on a boy in 11th grade. It was Jealousy. But, MIRANDA…she was different. I would avoid trips that required me leaving school, because I’d see her in the halls less. I refused to participate in PE, so I could sit on the sidelines & watch her play (I failed PE 1 quarter because of that). I considered myself bi, but more interested in females.
I kept it hidden for years due to 1 bad experience. I had a friend, Nadine. She was a newer, but very close friend. I told her that I liked girls more then guys. She told me, point blank “not to be” or she wouldn’t talk to me.
At 21 I realized the truth. I’m was not Bisexual, I was a LESBIAN. I was never interested in guys, I was merely hiding who I was.
Sent in by: Nichole Lynn
Age: 26
Location: Cohoes, NY
Website: http://www.facebook.com/FULLxMOON
Hi Nichole,
Thank you for sharing your story. For the record, dreaming about your wedding day with your wife is not odd, despite the mainstream way of thinking. The innocence of a child is a beautiful thing. Crying yourself to sleep, because your dream was different from what it’s “supposed to be,” demonstrates how: a) you don’t choose to be a lesbian/bi (etc.) b) the conviction of your feelings are always at the root of what you really want and should be followed, so you can be true to you and be an authentic self. I hope you are living this way now and that you are happy.