NEVER SCARE THE SQUIRREL
I am a Serial Dater with a specialty. I date straight women, straight- married women, bitter divorcee’s and MILF’S. A specialty niche. A sub genre stuffed inside another sub genre, wrapped in an enigma, tucked into the under belly of the complex homosexual world. Gay women find me attractive but do not like me. I am too flawed. I am not political, organic or vegan enough. I like sex, drugs, weapons and money a lot. I am not a member of AA. I stay up after 10:00 pm. I have no desire to adopt children from a foreign country. I am not evolved. To wit: I do not want to march, wear ass-less chaps on a float or a t-shirt with a smarmy political statement. I just want to get laid.
Now these straight women are like squirrels. If you want catch one it’s important to move slowly and not make any sudden movements. This is where the novice typically makes their first mistake.
So here is the first rule: NEVER SCARE THE SQUIRREL. Do not say stupid, obvious things like “I’ve had a crush on you since freshman yr in Fiske Hall, I think i’m in love with you” It’s the same as pedaling a bicycle backwards, you scare the squirrel, you get nowhere fast and lose traction.
THE GOLDEN RULE THAT MUST NEVER BE BROKEN (and this has never failed me.) MAKE THEM COME ON TO YOU. Resist. Resist at all cost. Act ambivalent. CHOOSE to interpret the back rub they give you as ‘platonic’. This secretly infuriates them “What?! You don’t want me?! I am hot! I am straight, I have luxurious, blond blow dried hair… i like dick- how dare you reject me?!?!” they think to themselves, and this causes them to work harder at seducing you. Play naive and innocent.. Respect them. Say things like ” but you’re married/separated etc. When they finally DO make an overt move, and trust me- eventually they will, stare them down with your best Leo DiCaprio-Titanic -fuck- me -face-blink innocently and say “are you sure this is what you want? i just don’t want you to regret it later…” Immediately you appear sensitive, now you are in. . You have achieved hand without ever laying so much as a finger on them
Now how cool is THAT!?
Sent in by: Madigan Keene
Location: Albuquerque, NM