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Can a Lesbian and a Bisexual Woman Have a Good Long-Term Relationship?

goldstardyke — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 19:14:10 +0000

Hot:

The easiest answer to this question is “Yes.” And yes, there are probably going to be some complications along the way, but isn’t this the same in just about every relationship – lesbian or heterosexual? All relationships have their little ups and downs, and complications arise all the time, no matter who you are.

If you are a lesbian and are finding yourself falling in love with a bisexual woman, her attraction to men could become a complication. Be sure to keep an open line of communication in case she needs to discuss with you any changing feelings she may be having in regard to her sexuality, as there may come a time when she decides she is not getting what she needs from being in a lesbian relationship, and may want to try dating men again. Openly discussing such feelings before it’s too late may help strengthen your relationship.

Of course, even if she is deeply in love with you, she is always going to be attracted to men, and you need to accept this. It is only natural to be attracted to other people when you are in a relationship, and the same goes for you as well. You are going to be attracted to other women. For both of you, the key is simply not to act on this attraction.

There are going to be other complications as well. For instance, many of her friends and family members will probably question her decision to date you, especially if she has never been involved with another woman. The two of you will have to deal with this together and let everyone know that you are in love and serious about your relationship and your commitment to each other.

As long as you are both in love, you are going to be able to build a good, long-term relationship that will fulfill both of you. Yes, she may be bisexual, but if she truly wants to be with you, heart and soul, you need to trust the fact that she loves you and isn’t going to leave you for a man as if you were just an “experiment”. Bisexual or not, true love is a bond that simply cannot be broken.

–Written by Kaylee Larson, owner of LesbianLoveNow.com. Kaylee’s site features dating, romance, and issue-related videos for lesbians, along with numerous on-topic articles.

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TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #59

goldstardyke — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:19:05 +0000

Hot:

Name: Cassie Lawhon
Age: 23
Location: West Virginia

Question: My girlfriend and I are getting legally married in August, but I’m having problems with dealing with her ex- husband. They have 3 kids together who are ages 17, 18, 21. When we are with the kids they know that we are together but when the ex is around they always talk about family things and things that the family did when they were married and I’m never acknowledged as the girlfriend to the ex-husband. I’m not sure what to think about this and if I should bring it up. I want to be with her but I can’t be the outcast when he is around.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Cassie,

Before you get married, you need to settle this issue with your girlfriend. She must acknowledge you and you must accept that she had a long life before you and their shared conversation will naturally include that as now there are no more stories to gather as a family unit – it’s all that is left of it. She can be more sensitive to you however, even in that regard. But, don’t get married until it’s resolved, because it will fester with you.

Good luck!

Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Cassie -

That’s always a difficult situation, for people of any gender/orientation, with or without kids. It’s hard to not play the comparison game with exs, or even be jealous. And it’s normal and ok.

That said, if you feel like it is affecting you and/or your relationship, then the best thing you can do is talk about it. Don’t be accusatory, or angry, but let your partner know that you’re feeling left out at certain times, and maybe provide her with possible solutions so that you two can figure out a way to make it work. If you approach it with anger, it’s likely she too will get angry and it could cause issues. However, if you talk about it like to loving adults, which you are, you might bring something to her attention which she hadn’t noticed before. Communication is always the answer.

Best of luck,

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Cassie,

Talk to your girlfriend about your concerns. Share you feelings in a non-accusatory way (e.g. “I felt belittled when such-and-such happened.”) It appears that your girlfriend and her ex-husband are many years older than you are. That might be playing into it as well. Or it might. But have an open discussion with your girlfriend about it.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Hi Cassie,

Who isn’t acknowledging you? The kids or your fiancée? If it’s your fiancée, you need to talk to her… tell her how it makes you feel. It’s the only way to stop it.

If it’s the kids… well, that’s a bigger problem. You don’t want to force them to do/say anything because that may put a wedge between you. Maybe you can bring up your own stories? Interject yourself into the conversation and don’t just sit back and be the 6th wheel (Ok, I get that 6 wheels would actually work, but let’s just go with that).

I’m curious, I see that you are only 2 years older than your oldest step-child. How’s that working out?

Good luck!

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Issues like this tend to fester into deal breakers. You have to talk this out with your girlfriend before you get married. The talk of the past will always be there. No many kids want their parents to get divorced and talking about what used to be may console them in some way.

Perhaps it will just be a matter of time. Adjustment periods are always hard to get through. It’s up to you to share your feelings with your girlfriend and make sure you can come to a happy medium.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.

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TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #58

goldstardyke — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:18:55 +0000

Hot:

Name: Anonymous
Age: 22
Location: N/A

Question: How, as a straight women can I express my interests to a lesbian? I do have a boyfriend.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Dear Anonymous,
You chose not to share part of your story, but the answer lies within that information. My guess would be that since you are already involved elsewhere, she’s cooled off. Momma always told me to finish what I start. Start there. If you want to pursue elsewhere, you have to be brave enough to let go of what you have. It might pan out after that and it might not. It’s a risk you have to decide to take. We all start somewhere. Good luck!
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Out of the office

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Anonymous,

It’s not uncommon at your age to have unexplored sexual attractions (such as being a lesbian or bisexual). That said, if you have a satisfying relationship with your boyfriend, why wreck a good thing? However, if your attraction to women or even a particular woman becomes an itch that you just have to scratch, end the relationship with your boyfriend. Don’t go messin’ around on him, whether it’s with a girl or a guy. Cheating isn’t cool.

If you do end the relationship with your boyfriend and find yourself attracted to a woman, get to know her first as a friend. See if the two of you have emotional and sexual chemistry. Be open and honest about who you are. Have fun and be safe!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Hi,

I think first and foremost, let’s address the fact that you have labeled yourself as “straight”. Straight women, by definition, aren’t attracted to other women. So, that brings me to my next question:

Are you truly interested in this woman because you think you may be bi or bi-curious? Or are you interested in this woman because you are bored with your boyfriend and she showed some sign of interest that may or may not have been your imagination?

I’m not asking that to be mean… however, I’ve seen wayyyyy too many of my lesbian sisters get their hearts ripped out by bored housewives who thought “hey, I think I’lll fuck a woman since my man is not paying enough attention/screwing me right/etc.”

I think before you do/say anything to her in an effort to explore some sort of intimate relationship, you need to first figure yourself out. Not to mention, if you have a boyfriend, what’s your plan for him? Do you plan to break up with him? Invite him to join? Cheat on him? What?

I’m not judging here… I’m just saying there’s more to this particular situation than just how to get her to know you’re attracted to her.

Maybe she’d be up for no-strings-attached sex… you never know… maybe in some random conversation you can bring up one-night-stands and see how she feels about them… but, honestly, I would strongly suggest you don’t start something you can’t finish.

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Break up with your boyfriend. Then peruse her like you would anyone else. Get to know her, ask her out, tell her about your feelings. Most importantly, be honest with yourself and those you care about.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

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TLL Q & A Advice Panel Installment #57

goldstardyke — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:51:22 +0000

Hot:

Name: Diane Killian
Age: 52
Location: Lake Charles, Louisiana

Question:How do you make yourself realize that “I am not the love in my lovers heart. She still carries the flame for an ex. Please give me steps to take.

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Hi Diane,

I think you already have. Now, decide if it’s something you can live with. Accepting this means it may or may not change. If you aren’t willing to wait for that to happen, I’d move along and find someone who holds your heart close.

Good luck…
Lori
Hahn at Home

Shanna Katz

Diane -

Have you talked to your lover about this, or is this just your assumption? Because assumptions can be dangerous things.

If you HAVE talked about it, and she does in fact carry a flame for her ex, the next step is to figure out whether you can still be together. There is not a finite amount of love in this world, and it’s possible that even though she still has love towards her ex, that you to can still work. However, this isn’t always the case. I’d suggest lots and lots of communication, and if you can, some couples counseling to talk about it. Eventually, if it doesn’t work, I’d make sure you have someone to talk to about it as well. Therapy is underrated, really.

If you HAVEN’T talked about it, and you’re just assuming that she’s still in love, TALK ABOUT IT. It’s possible that she does/says things that are “normal” to her, but get read as “in love with her ex” to you. For example, my ex and I don’t really get along. At all. But when we were together, I designed her website, updated it regularly, etc. After we broke up, it took me over a year to transfer all of the info, domains, etc back to her because she was flaky about responding to emails/texts. Finally, it is now done. While it was all going on, my current partner asked me if maybe something was going on there. It DEFINITELY wasn’t, but I can see how someone might have thought so. But she asked me, I honestly answered no, and now that’s all behind us.

Good luck!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Diane,

My first suggestion would be to talk with her about it in an open and honest way. The two of you might want to seek couples counseling.
But if you reach a point at which you don’t feel that you can trust her, it might be time to move on. When jealousy and suspicion replace trust and love, the relationship is already dead.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmakelleher.com/

Tina-cious

Out of the office

Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Diane,

In my opinion there are no set rules of engagement in realizing you are no the only one in your lovers heart. I believe it takes honesty and time for this to occur. Honesty with both yourself and your girlfriend. No one should be someone else’s second best.

If this is a gut feeling you have and haven’t yet spoken to your lover about it I would do so sooner than later.

Kelly
Brain Clouds

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

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Yes I am!

goldstardyke — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:03:58 +0000

Hot:

I have been thinking a lot about labels, lately. Specifically, the “L” word. No, not the show and not Laboutin (although if anyone wants to donate a pair of killer open-toe combat boots with a rockin’ stiletto heel, I take a size 6 ½). Lesbian. That’s the one. It may sound utterly ridiculous, especially as I’ve been “out” for roughly 26 years, give or take a few years of trying to conform to nonconformity.

Everyone wants to eschew labels. Everywhere you turn, you’ll hear that old adage about not wanting to label oneself. Or we have new labels: “queer,” “genderbent,” “pansexual.” I tried pansexual on for size recently after reading a terrific post by a fellow blogger. At the time, I was still dallying with my ex-fiancé who happens to be an FTM transsexual. During the time that we were together, I actually let him talk me into claiming I was “straight.” Although to be perfectly frank, we’d have never even dated, much less become engaged, if we hadn’t met on Yahoo Personals…as women looking for women. He wasn’t even considering transition then and had come to terms with the fact that, as a man trapped in a woman’s body, he had to label himself lesbian although he truly is straight (long, complicated story…perhaps for another time…perhaps not, as it is over and done).

“Bisexual” didn’t cut it for him. He didn’t like the idea that I was still open to 50% of the population even though we were monogamous and headed for marriage. I wanted to respect his wishes to be man and wife, man and woman, (can we all sing together? “Little houses on the hillside, Little houses made of ticky-tacky…”) and so I tried to adapt to this June Cleaver image. I even, and it still shames me to remember this, shrugged my shoulders (publicly) at Prop 8, thinking it had nothing more to do with me. This coming from a woman who had married my female partner of 14 years, 4 days after my home state of Massachusetts began handing out marriage licenses to same-sex couples (another long story…moral is: just because you can doesn’t mean you should). I turned my back on the community that had nurtured me from the day that I came flying out of the closet to tackle the woman who now, 26 years later, is my lifelong love. The fallout that ensued was horrific. My best friend and I had the first and only fight we’ve ever had. I mortally wounded her along with every other gay man, lesbian woman, and queer soul I was ever lucky enough to call friend or acquaintance.

I even, if you can believe it, tried to tell myself that I didn’t miss pussy. Me! I may be high femme but I am the world’s leading carpet muncher and dammit if I couldn’t wait to get my face all in it the first opportunity I got after the old man walked out. Okay, admittedly it took awhile to find that someone with whom I really cared enough about to bury my face in her crotch (this isn’t the 80s anymore, after all) but wow…I sooooo missed it.

So here’s the thing, I am SO a lesbian. I am not straight, I am not bisexual, I am not queer, I am not pansexual. I kick it old school in that great butch-femme way. My woman looks like a man and gets called sir more often than not. As a baby dyke I listened to Chris Williamson, Tret Fure, Alix Dobkin, and Meg Christian. I was there when Amy and Emily came out. I heard Ellen’s toaster joke on TV the night it aired. I listened to Betty at Boston’s Gay Pride before anyone even knew who they were. I read all the early lesbian pulp fiction and prayed for glimpses of women who actually seemed to enjoy other women in porn long before The Crash Pad series came out.

So, stick it to me, glue it on me, tattoo it on my fucking forehead. I AM A LESBIAN. And I am thrilled to take back that label and call it my own. I will forever love the company of women and I honestly missed my community. You can take the girl out of the Michigan Women’s Music Festival, but you can’t make her drink the Kool-aid. Never again.

And you? You can call me Ms. Dyke, thank you. Because yes, yes I am!

Guest post sent in by: Scintillectual
Find her at: http://www.scintillectual.com
Location: Massachusetts

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